Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
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And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
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The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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