I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
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