Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
