Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
