I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
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