The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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