Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
