Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
