I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
