tell your sister to shave her snatch
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
