a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
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