wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
