You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Your mouth is God's brothel.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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