it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
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I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
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In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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