He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
