I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I will be naked everywhere
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
They took my balls.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Randomize
