I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
