I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he shaved USA in his pubs
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Randomize
