i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
