So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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