I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
This is the high leading the old right now
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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