And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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