my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
