I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
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The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
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I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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