i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
