Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Randomize
