I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
