I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
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my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
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One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
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