I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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