I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
