I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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