Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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