We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
