guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
