i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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