I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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