I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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