I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
