Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
