Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize