my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
