you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
