Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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