Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
