I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
We had sex on a dog bed..
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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