I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Everclear isn't food dammit
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Randomize
