i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
