Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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