OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Randomize
