my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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