If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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