I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Randomize
