He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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