Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
