All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
i need to put some appletini on your dick
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
