There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
