I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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