Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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