after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
