Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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