I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
