I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
