The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Say something about gay babies.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
