I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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