I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
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All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
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I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
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