Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
