I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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